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For Parents of Teens
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"What was it like being 15 years old?"
It's been awhile, no doubt. However take a moment and ask yourself that very question. What was it like to be 15? How did you feel? What were you thinking? Where and what did you learn about dating? Did you parents allow you to date? Then ask yourself if you ever experienced situations in your dating relationship that made you feel uneasy, confused and isolated. Did you ever wish that you could talk open and honestly with your parents, and find them assuming, accusing, before you were even able to ask for the help you needed, perhaps desperately needed?
Parents today are confronted with a multitude of issues involving today's teens. In any given day, there are school reports to be given, science projects that fail at the last minute, athletic practices, play rehearsals and fierce competitions. Amidst that all, are the mood swings, the drama and crisis's that pop up daily.
Not only do parents and teens alike have the constant real world to deal with, but now there is the online world. Right there in our living rooms, our kitchens, and our bedrooms there is an entire network of people from every corner of the globe. From those corners of the globe, come relationships. Some are short lived and brief. Others are long lasting and close-knit. Some are based on equal admiration for a certain topic or discussion and some are intensely private between two people. Sometimes as in real life, those relationships become difficult. Sometimes, we may get in over our heads and need help making sense of it all.
Tips for Parents
-First and foremost, be sure in your resolve to listen your teen, not judge.
Make sure you as the parent are ready to hear ALL that your teen may tell you.
-Communicate openly with him/her.
Start with conversations, not interrogations. It is vital to open the doors of communication with your teen, so that they may come to you without fear. Offer your support in a non-judgmental way with questions such as, "You seem bothered by something, is there anything I can do to help?" Offer to listen, "Would you like to talk about something?" This way, you open that doorway for them without sounding as if you are accusing, which will only serve to have that door slammed right in your face.
-Be Patient, it might take once, twice or thrice!
Your teen may not respond right away. It may take some time and coaxing to get him/her to open up and discuss their situation or feelings with you. Be patient and keep trying, letting him/her know that you care. Remember, just as this isn't easy for you, it isn't easy for them either.
-Validate and accept what your teen says.
It is essential that you take your teen seriously. No matter what they may say. Their concerns and fears, whether warranted or not to you, are very real to them. Saying, "Well that's just silly, what are making such a big deal of this for?" will cause your teen to turn away and perhaps never reach out for your help again. Acknowledge their feelings with something like, "I can understand how you would feel that way." Take a moment and step out of your parental shoes and step into his/hers. How would you like someone to respond to you?
-Realize that you do not have total control and power over your teenager.
As they say, where there is a will there is a way. If your response to your child's concern is to eliminate, to take away, to deny you may inadvertently cause your teen to rush full speed ahead into a potentially dangerous situation. However, even without iron clad control, you have something more powerful. You have influence. Through communicating and empowering your teen, you can help him/her to make the right decision. The key here is, you allowed them to make the decision, you didn't make it for them.
-Set limits and boundaries together.
Issues of online sexuality and relationships may lead you to believe that pulling the plug on your computer is the answer. As stated above this is not the solution. It's a short-term solution, with no long-term benefit. Sit down together and come up with acceptable terms of usage. Make sure that both you and your teen understand and agree to the rules. Be reasonable and remember, parents and teens are like apples and oranges, you may have to compromise but by doing so you are ensuring your child coming to you in the future. Not to mention the respect he/she will gain for you by including them in the decision making.
-Set up a safety plan
Together with your teen, determine a plan of action in case of...."insert your teen's problem here." Perhaps the troubles lie with an online relationship gone bad, an issue of stalking or harassment. It isn't unheard of for fellow students to make their own web pages that can be malicious in nature. Whatever the case may be, if there is the slightest indication of a need for a safety plan....make one!
-Get the Facts
After learning what it is that your teen is struggling with, take the time to research and talk to others independently. The net is at your fingertips, make use of it. Search for any topic, any problem and chances are you will find answers, information, suggestions, letters from other parents and support forums. Don't be afraid to reach out for a little help.
-Understand a generation of thinking
You may be shocked to learn your 15-year-old has been in a committed cyber relationship for 8 months and simply cannot phantom the attraction. A "cyber" relationship? Yes, times have changed and will continue to do so. Our best defense? Education and understanding. Step back for a moment and try to appreciate the challenges our teenagers face in today's society. Each generation has had its troubles. But let's face it, today's youth are stuck in the middle of a confusing, overwhelming, conflicting, fast-paced and downright frightening world. The digital age in all its glory has opened a Pandora's box for today's youth. Parents play a vital role in giving teenagers the tools they need to be safe, to be smart, to be healthy.
-Last but not least...
Remember what it was like to be 15.
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